"Time After Time"

“Lying in my bed I hear the clock tick,
And think of you
Caught up in circles, confusion
Is nothing new”

–  Cyndi Lauper, Time after Time

If you read my first post, you have figured out that I applied for a home loan modification – unsuccessfully. To be more accurate, I’ve applied numerous, abundant times for a loan modification – unsuccessfully. I’ve been at it for over a year now. Any sane person would have given up by now, but not me. I am not sane. I used to be sane, but the banks have turned me into a rabid mongrel. I want to bite someone. Badly.

Each time I apply and get declined for a loan mod I learn something new about the system. (That’s the “insider” jargon – a loan mod. When you’ve been at it as long as I have, time is of the essence and it takes too long to say “home loan modification).

The first time I was rejected, I learned about the different types of loan modifications. (see Jerky Jargon & the Secret Meanings)

I learned this after Ramon at CitiMortgage unceremoniously dumped me. I called to ask him why I got declined, and he avoided my phone calls as if I was a crazy lady with 60 cats in my bedroom and I was asking him to clean the kitty litter.

He finally returned my 47^th call and told me he had to close my case and if I wanted to continue to pursue a loan mod, I’d be assigned a new agent and could start the process all over again.

“That’s ridiculous!” I told him. “You have all my paperwork! Why should I start all over again?”

I didn’t get an answer. He hung up on me when the desperation in my voice started to reach screechy high notes that could shatter glass.

So I called someone else at CitiMortgage. The new person told me that of course, being the kind and wonderful corporation CitiMortgage was, they had considered me for more than one type of loan mod, and I didn’t qualify for any of them.

“Your income is acceptable to make your mortgage payments according to the HAMP standards, so you don’t meet the Imminent Default criteria. Your income is too little to qualify for a standard loan modification,” this person told me. I’ve forgotten her name. She was like a one-night stand mingled in with my many other jaded suitors at CitiMortgage.

“So you’re telling me I make too much for one loan, and too little for another? What is this, The Three Bears? Isn’t there a loan that is ‘just right’ for me?” I asked plaintively. I was Goldilocks, and I wanted the happy ending. But come to think of it, Goldilocks got booted out of the bears’ house and had to go live in the woods as a homeless woman, so maybe the bank was sticking to the fairy tale.

I told her my situation had changed, and according to the reject letter I received, I had 30 days to correct any errors in their summary. The big error was my income.

“My main client is a nonprofit organization, and they have cut back significantly on the amount of work they can pay me for,” I explained. “My monthly income is being reduced by $1,000 a month. I have a letter from them to prove it. Doesn’t that change the picture?”

I was told to reapply, and to fill out new paperwork, and do a new profit and loss statement. A profit and loss statement is defined by me as – A statement required by the banks if you are now a full-time freelancer with your own “business.” If you’re like me, it’s mostly a “loss” statement and your “business” consists of a small room in your house where the dog sleeps and sheds on the only nice chair you haven’t sold on Craig’s List while you comb the Internet looking for more work.

Miss No-Name at CitiMortgage told me, about a month later, that I was declined for a loan again because I didn’t meet the Imminent Default criteria – again.

I was starting to regard this Imminent Default criterion like the seemingly perfect man on match.com who won’t answer any of my emails. (Why wouldn’t Imminent Default have anything to do with me?  What was it about me that Imminent Default didn’t like?) So I decided if Imminent Default didn’t want me, I would have to find out just what Imminent Default sought in a partner. (see Imminent Default under Jerky Jargon & the Secret Meanings).

After learning how to meet the Imminent Default criteria, I formulated a new plan. I wouldn’t pay my mortgage anymore. It wasn’t exactly rocket science, since I no longer had enough income to pay my mortgage anyway, and I was pretty sure they wouldn’t force me to tap into my meager IRA to pay it.

As a good, conscientious homeowner, I had my mortgage payment set up electronically to be paid on the first of each month. Unfortunately for me, I made a small error in cancelling the payment and it cost me another month or so of messing with the banks and eventually put me into foreclosure.

But I’ll save that for another post. The one that comes after, “Contacting my Senators for help.”